Burning Out

All throughout my life, I've struggled with self-justification. Whatever I do, I always have to find a reason to justify that to someone else who questions me. Why can't my passion be unwavering? 

Always so afraid of not doing well enough, and always so afraid of needing to explain myself or my work to others. I'm so scared I will start pushing people away because of my tendency to always need to prove myself. I'm afraid that my habits of getting sensitive over the 'littlest things' will separate me from the people I love most. 

I don't want to be seen as someone you need to hide things from. I don't want to be someone you have to think twice before confiding in. Whether its my fault or not, I want you to be able to voice your opinions openly. But I guess I'm not that person, am I?

Sometimes I question whether I even deserve the people I have in my life, and that feeling is horrible.  To constantly feel you're not good enough, to constantly need verification for what you do.

_

Ellysage's biggest event of the year is coming up in a day's time (It's August 2nd already????), and it's been something we've been preparing for for months already. I'm so scared it'll flop, and I'm so nervous as to how it'll turn out. We're down to 2 more weeks of school, and I'm thankful beyond relief. Please let everything end. I want to be able to experience the feeling of having a good, full sleep once again.

I hope, fingers crossed, that everything will be just dandy. 

_

Today's also the day I finally turn nineteen. Birthdays don't seem to be something I really look forward to anymore, as compared to before. But I'm so so thankful for the people who remembered (or rather Facebook LOL) and wished me, it honestly meant a lot to me. Also, thank you B for doing all you can to make today extra special, even staying out the whole entire day despite being so tired. Your effort makes me feel special, thank you for that. Also glad that some of my friends could make it for dinner tonight, having company on a day like today makes me feel so so appreciative.

Thank you everyone.