Burning Out

All throughout my life, I've struggled with self-justification. Whatever I do, I always have to find a reason to justify that to someone else who questions me. Why can't my passion be unwavering? 

Always so afraid of not doing well enough, and always so afraid of needing to explain myself or my work to others. I'm so scared I will start pushing people away because of my tendency to always need to prove myself. I'm afraid that my habits of getting sensitive over the 'littlest things' will separate me from the people I love most. 

I don't want to be seen as someone you need to hide things from. I don't want to be someone you have to think twice before confiding in. Whether its my fault or not, I want you to be able to voice your opinions openly. But I guess I'm not that person, am I?

Sometimes I question whether I even deserve the people I have in my life, and that feeling is horrible.  To constantly feel you're not good enough, to constantly need verification for what you do.

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Ellysage's biggest event of the year is coming up in a day's time (It's August 2nd already????), and it's been something we've been preparing for for months already. I'm so scared it'll flop, and I'm so nervous as to how it'll turn out. We're down to 2 more weeks of school, and I'm thankful beyond relief. Please let everything end. I want to be able to experience the feeling of having a good, full sleep once again.

I hope, fingers crossed, that everything will be just dandy. 

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Today's also the day I finally turn nineteen. Birthdays don't seem to be something I really look forward to anymore, as compared to before. But I'm so so thankful for the people who remembered (or rather Facebook LOL) and wished me, it honestly meant a lot to me. Also, thank you B for doing all you can to make today extra special, even staying out the whole entire day despite being so tired. Your effort makes me feel special, thank you for that. Also glad that some of my friends could make it for dinner tonight, having company on a day like today makes me feel so so appreciative.

Thank you everyone. 

Never-ending

Yesterday, I managed to spend an entire day out with friends, without worrying about the piling amount of work waiting for me, and it felt great. I'm pretty sure Q is so sick and tired of listening to me ramble on and on about how stressed I am, or how I never run out of things to do, but somehow he always makes me feel better (I hope I don't jinx things by saying this lols). 

Time check: 4 more weeks (?) until the end of the semester, and maybe then, I can take a short breather for 2 short weeks until internship starts. No break ever seems long enough huh. 

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On a side note, I was trying to read After You by Cyril Wong for a review article, until I realised that I was reading the words without contemplating the meaning. I don't seem to understand poems, so is that a sign that I shouldn't try taking Literature for my degree?? Probably HAHA. 

To be Better

Times have been hard, and there never seems to be enough to do. Be it for work, and for school. I can't deny that I'm exhausted, but I was also the one who piled this much onto my own plate. So technically, I shouldn't be complaining. As a matter of fact, I have so much to do, but yet I am here, editing unnecessary photos and blogging haha.

Lots have been happening at one time recently, and I hate the feeling of knowing there's nothing I can do about it. Sometimes, I bury myself in so much to-do lists that I can't even find myself anymore. I hope that from now on, things will get easier, or at least, better to manage. 

Yesterday was one of the better days I've had in a long, long while. Here are some snaps from a quaint little cafe called High Society in MBS. I rarely (in fact never) have cravings for sweet desserts, but recently, I found myself staring at strawberry shortcakes and cupcakes through the display glasses. So when we walked past the line of bright macarons from High Society, I couldn't help myself! It was a little pampering from Q, but I'm thankful to him for more than just satisfying my unpredictable cravings. He's been my pillar these past few days, weeks, in fact years, since we've been together, and I probably wouldn't be where I am without him. 

Sappy love notes aside, here are the shots!

(I know I'm not great at photography, so on hindsight, I was stupid not to appeal when I first got into Phojourn.... It's disappointing and demoralising when I see other people's photos looking 100000x better than my shit ones, but I'm trying to slowly get better at it, even though I doubt it'll be on time for my final Phojourn assignment coming in a matter of weeks....)

Page #2

The past few days (if not weeks) have been mentally and emotionally trying. With the amount of work to be completed piling up, it's hard to find times in the day to just calm down. The daily motion of going to school everyday also adds to my tire. There never seems to be nothing to do, every time a task is done another one comes along. It's hard to breathe when you're strangled and suffocated with an endless to-do list, I find myself taking it out on the person I love the most.

6 more weeks to go.